3 Things I Will Never Give My Children

In previous posts, I have intentionally used misleading titles to lure web surfers into reading my content.  As I begin this post, it occurs to me that my title today may evoke certain ideas in my readers about my content that are inaccurate.  I am not intentionally trying to be misleading so let me clarify right from the outset.  This is not an article about vaccinations, violent video games, or genetically modified food (Sorry, I couldn't think of another "V" word).  Those are things I might not give my children, but they are not my focus here.  The three items on my list today are not bad things.  On the contrary, they are actually quite good things.  The reason I will never give these things to my children is not because I won't by choice but because I can't by nature.  As the holiday and gift-giving season is wrapping up, I have been thinking about and spending a lot of time with my kids.  It has occurred to me that there are several items I would love to give them as a parent but I simply cannot.  I submit them here for your consideration:

1.  True Happiness - Some people are adverse to the idea of giving gifts at Christmas time because they resent the commercialization of what is supposed to be a spiritual celebration.  I can certainly understand their sentiments.  For our family, however, we view Christmas as an excellent opportunity to celebrate and reflect the goodness of God's gifts to us by giving gifts to others.  Thus, we buy Christmas gifts for our kids.  We certainly aren't extravagant, but we try to get each child several gifts including one "WOW" gift that will really surprise them.  This year was no exception.  In the days following our Christmas morning gift extravaganza, I have realized that the danger is not in the gifts we give our children but in the message we send to them.  My kids are still at the stage where they believe their possessions will make them happy.  (Truthfully, their parents still grapple with this lie as well.)  One of the challenges my wife and I face in our gift-giving is to help our children understand that the one present we cannot give them is contentment and true happiness.  They will have to find this for themselves, and they will not find it in a box or on a shelf somewhere.  Our job is to point them in the right direction and to reflect true happiness to them as we have found it ourselves.

2.  A Baggage-Free, Damage-Free Childhood - The Friday after Christmas, something occurred in my life that I have dreaded and feared for at least two years.  I dropped my iPad on a tile floor and irreparably cracked the glass on the multi-touch screen.  This may sound childish and materialistic (it probably is), but I almost started crying when I saw the damage.  Now, before you condemn my reaction as a selfish, first-world problem let me explain two things.  First, the iPad is not technically mine as it was purchased by my employer and I use it primarily for work purposes.  Second, it is really important to me to have a few things in my life that I keep in really nice, almost-new condition.  Having three young children makes this endeavor difficult, as you can imagine.  The iPad was one of those things that I really tried to protect and keep nice.  (For those who are wondering, the other ones also start with the letter "i".)  When I dropped the device, it bothered me because it was now damaged goods.  It still works just fine.  It does what I need it to do, although reading through a spider-web shaped crack gets annoying at times.  It just bothered me to have something that was less-than-perfect.

As parents of young children, my wife and I are trying our best to be thoughtful, careful, prayerful, and intentional as we guide our children to adulthood.  We refuse certain vaccinations (but not all).  We don't allow them to play violent video games.  We try to avoid most genetically-modified foods.  We attempt to be balanced, loving, and gracious while still being firm, consistent, and authoritative.  We try to allow them to be themselves while still confronting their depravity and pointing them to the Savior.  In short, we are trying our best to provide them with a baggage-free, damage-free childhood experience.  This is an admirable intention on our part, but I have reached the conclusion that it is an unattainable goal.  Despite our best intentions, my three kids will have mental/emotional/spiritual baggage through which they have to work as adults.  Much like my iPad, they will have cracks, dings, and dents in their lives.  Some of this will come from Danielle and me.  Some of it will come from other sources.  Either way, we have to understand that we cannot keep our kids in that new, out-of-the-box condition forever.  They will get damaged, but this is part of what makes our life-journeys so amazing.  God is an expert in working with cracked pots.

3.  Their Convictions, Beliefs, and Values - A few nights ago, my wife and I went on an impromptu trip to Longhorn Steakhouse for dinner.  During the course of the meal, we began having one of those New Year-type of discussions where we were evaluating how we are doing as parents and how we ought to change for the better.  We wrote down a list of values that we want to instill in our children.  The list included items like true spirituality, perseverance, an open/curious mind, gratitude, love for God, respect for others, creativity, etc...  As we made the list, we looked at each other and acknowledged the inconvenient truth that, despite our concerted efforts, there is no guarantee that our children will have or maintain these things throughout their adult life (Proverbs 22:6 notwithstanding).  The truth is, we cannot give any of these things to them.  We can simply model them to our kids through our own lives and emphasize them through the way we conduct our family life.  Beyond that, our only recourse is to pray and trust the hand of their Heavenly Father.

Coming to this understanding about our role as parents and the limitations of that role has actually been quite refreshing.  I fear that too many parents put far too much pressure on themselves as they bring up their kids.  Please don't misunderstand, parenting is by far one of the hardest (to date) and one of the most important tasks I have ever undertaken.  We, however, have found it helpful and healthy to consider the exact nature of our role as our kids' parents and to come to grips with what we can and cannot do for them or give to them.  Right now, the word that I feel best describes our job is the word influence.  I am sure that word has some shortcomings and baggage with it, but it resonates with me and gives me a framework for my parenting as we enter another year in this adventure called life.  Perhaps some of the thoughts I have shared here will prove helpful for you or someone you know.

Raising a Rebel

"Evelyn, don't keep your eyes crossed like that.  If you do they will stay that way."

I am in the kitchen cleaning up after lunch on a lazy Saturday afternoon when I hear my seven-year old son issue this admonition to his younger sister.

"Eldan, what did you just say?"

"I told Evelyn not to keep her eyes crossed or they will get stuck that way."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Everyone at school says it."

Oh boy.  Here we go.

I knew this day would eventually come, but I will have to admit--I didn't necessarily expect it this soon in the parenting process and I definitely didn't expect it to come in the form of such an inane old wives-fable.  (I guess I am a bit naive.)  Now that it's here, however, I can see the advantages.  He's young and impressionable.  He hasn't yet passed the "my dad is my hero" stage of his elementary years.  He will probably give me more of a fair hearing now than at any given time in the next 20 years.  Plus, it's such an innocuous topic that it may provide the perfect case study for him to consider his personal ontological leanings.

So...as I continue putting the clean pots in the cupboard and the dirty ones in the dishwasher, I decide to engage...

"Just because everybody says it doesn't mean it's true."

"Yeah, but you're the only one I know of who says it isn't true."

"Well, it doesn't really matter what people say.  Do you have any proof?  Have you ever met anyone who kept their eyes crossed and they stayed that way?"

"No."

"So you don't really know if it's true, do you?"

"But everyone says it is."

"So?  You can't believe things just because lots of people say it.  Lots of people might be wrong.  You have to look for proof.  Bring me some proof that keeping your eyes crossed will freeze them that way and then we'll talk.  Without the proof, you have to admit that it might not be true."

"Yeah, but it might be true."

"Yeah, but it might be false, too."

And so it begins...

In a way, I am really excited.  The process is beginning.  (In truth, it has been underway since they day they were born.)  This is the way we are going to raise our children.  I want them to question.  I want them to challenge.  I want them to examine the issues (whether it is crossed eyes or same-sex marriage) and to base their decisions and beliefs on the fact that they are convinced in mind and conscience that something is true.  I don't want them to take what any human says--whether it is a preacher, teacher, politician, or parent--at face value.  Of course, there will be times (probably many) when they will have to temporarily submit their opinions and choices to me, my wife, or some other authority figure in the interest of honor and obedience, but I don't want either of those interests to become so overpowering that it causes them to lose their God-given ability and responsibility to think for themselves.  This lunch-time discussion was just the first of what I hope will be many opportunities I have to challenge my children's status-quo and push them to think.  Like they say--it isn't illegal yet.

But, in a way, I am also scared.  The process has begun in earnest.  The process of raising a child to become an adult--a responsible, thoughtful, opinionated, conviction-driven, truth-seeking adult.  By encouraging my kids to question, consider, and challenge, I realize that I am also creating a situation in which they might reach different conclusions than I.  These differing conclusions may come in areas of very little significance such as crossed-eyes or reading in the dark.  They may also come in areas of incalculable significance such as their view of God and themselves.  I know that I may have begun the process of raising a rebel who will reject the moral absolutes that we have been trying to calmly and consistently inculcate into their fiber from day one.  I know.  I know.  Questions can be dangerous.  Debate can be dangerous.  I know--and it scares me a little bit.  Okay, it scares me a lot of bit.

But my fear of my children reaching different conclusions than I cannot be allowed to overcome my desire (and the need) for them to reach conclusions--on their own.  In the end, I don't want them to agree with me because I say so.  I don't want them to believe what I believe because I believe it.  I want them to believe because they believe it.  I am fully aware that the process of reaching their own answers may lead them through some dangerous waters, but I have full confidence in the power of God and His truth to help them find their way.

So, for now, I'll just keep putting the dishes away and issuing my challenges...

"Show me some proof, Eldan.  It might not be true."

"Yeah, but it might be."

Oh, boy!  Here we go!

God help us...

What The Promise Is For

The following post is based upon a testimony I gave at the beginning of my Sunday School lesson to the Young Marrieds Class at our church on June 5, 2011--my 31st birthday and the 7th anniversary of my marriage to Danielle. I received several bits of positive feedback about the testimony, and so I thought it might be helpful and encouraging to those of you out there in the blogosphere.

Every time we drive out to visit my in-laws in Francestown, New Hampshire (which is about once a month or so), we drive right past the white church building where Danielle and I were married on June 5, 2004. As we pass that 200-year old building with our 3 children in the back of our Honda Pilot, I almost always think back to that Saturday morning when my bride and I exchanged vows.

In the months approaching our 7th anniversary, I thought quite a bit about that day. In particular, my thought patterns about my marriage went something like this:

"If someone had asked me in the weeks before I got married to describe my expectations about marriage in one word, I wonder what I would have said?" (My thought patterns tend to be quite specific at times.)

As I pondered this question, several possible answers sprang to mind:

Love?

Companionship?

Adventure?

Sex?

Acceptance?

Romance?

Commitment?

I put the question mark after each because I am not really sure what answer I would have given. Honestly, as much as I was looking forward to getting married, I don't think I really knew what to expect. I just knew I wanted to be married.

I may not know what I would have said in answer to the preceding question, but I am quite confident about one thing I would not have said. There is one word I most certainly would not have used to describe my expectations about marriage at that point in my life. Do you want to know what that one word is?

Difficult

In the entire scope of my thinking as I was preparing to marry the love of my life, I never really thought of marriage as being difficult, hard, or even exhausting. Now, please understand this--Danielle and I did all of the things good, Christian engaged couples are supposed to do before they get married. We read the books about preparing for marriage. We talked about finances, family, and conflict resolution. We participated in the obligatory pre-marital counseling. We tried to prepare ourselves for the fact that the honeymoon would eventually end and that the reality of day to day life would set in. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but the truth is--I didn't have a clue. I had no idea how hard it is to be married and to form a family. That is not to say that I regret marrying Danielle and forming a family with her. I wouldn't go back and change anything even if I could. Sometimes, I look at her and I still can't believe that she agreed to be my wife. Sometimes, it does still seem like a fairy-tale. None of that changes the fact, however, that marriage is, at times, just plain difficult.

I realize now that I did not realize this then. (Did that sentence even make sense?) To some extent, I don't think I could have really understood beforehand the pressures of the crucible of marriage. It's like going to Disney World. People can tell you what it's like, but you really have to go there yourself to truly understand. The same is true with marriage. People can tell you it's hard, but...

Until you've had to face the reality of having more bills and needs than money, you don't understand.

Until you've walked into a room and had your wife sobbingly tell you that she's had a miscarriage, you can't know what it's like.

Until you've felt the subtle hand of lust trying to pull you apart from your spouse, you can't really identify.

Until you've had a loved one snatched violently and unexpectedly away, leaving both of you reeling, you can't empathize.

Until you've experienced how beautiful, amazing, fun, frustrating, exhausting, and stressful children can be, you don't really know.

Until you've felt as if your marriage has been "hijacked" by your kids, your job, and your life...

Until you've laid in bed feeling hundreds of miles apart from someone whose is only 3 feet away...

Until you've asked yourself, "Can I do this anymore?" or even "Do I want to do this anymore?"...

You can't really see how difficult marriage can be.

(By the way, I don't want to sound as if I am complaining. I understand that many couples have traversed waters much deeper and situations much more painful than we have. We have been very blessed in our seven years together. I am simply pointing out some of the difficulties that have surprised me personally along the way.)

About two months ago, someone gave me a CD called "Counting Stars" by a Christian singer-songwriter name Andrew Peterson. I had never heard of him, but I always enjoy discovering new music so I gave the CD a spin. Track number 2 on that disc changed my life. The song is titled "Dancing in the Minefields." Andrew wrote the song to his wife. In it, he talks about how their marriage has been "harder than they dreamed." When I first heard that, I teared up thinking, "So I am not the only one who has felt that way!" Then Mr. Peterson includes a line that shot straight into my heart and soul. He says, "But I believe that's what the promise is for."

I heard those words, and I realized something after 7 years of marriage that I had never really understood before. (Forgive me--I can be quite oblivious at times.) Why do we make vows at our weddings? Why do we include words like "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse"? We say those things, not because we're all going to be rich, healthy, and happy all the time. We say those things because there will be times of poverty, times of sickness, times of unrest and unhappiness. That's what the promise is for--it's for the times when marriage is hard and exhausting. The key to navigating the "minefield" is to hold fast to that promise and refuse, by the grace of God, to give up. That was something I needed to hear after a very difficult 6-month stretch in our marriage. It changed my perspective dramatically.

With all this in mind, I decided to put together a short video using the song and some pictures. I would like to include it at the end of this lengthy post in the hope that it will encourage you as it has encouraged me.

I would also like to dedicate it to my wife, Danielle. She daily reflects the love and grace of God to me, and I love her dearly. "Sweetheart, I am in it for the long haul! :-)"

To the rest of you reading, I echo the words of the backup singers on the song...

"Don't give up!"