How to Have an Opinion

The advent and development of the Internet as we know it today has irrevocably revolutionized our world.

I begin with this rather obvious statement because I want you to consider its truth.  The Internet HAS revolutionized our world in countless ways--some good, some bad, some neutral, and some that can go either way.  I want you to stew with me on one of those "it could go either way" ideas for a moment.

One can find many things on the Internet.  In recent months, I have come across something that is almost as ubiquitous on the Internet as the selfie and that might even be connected to the selfie in some Freudian, sub-conscious sort of way.  I am referring to opinions.  There is no shortage of opinions to be found on the web.  One can find them in the tweets, posts, articles, and comments of the smartest and most celebrated among us, in those of your "average Joe" and, more often than not, in the online ramblings of someone simply referred to as "anonymous."  Opinion is alive, well, and circulating freely on the fiber optic cables that make up our virtual landscape.  The "information superhighway" (remember when it was called that?) has provided just about any person on earth with the capability to voice their opinion and make it available for anyone else to consider. (Take this blog as a case in point.)  This may be a good thing.  Or, it may be a really, really bad thing.

Consider this.

What one cannot find quite as easily on the Internet as opinions is respect, courtesy, deference, and genuine, healthy dialogue or debate about those opinions.  Many of the opinions offered online are structured and promoted in such a way that they create strife, resentment, and isolation.  They are a platform for aggrandizement of self and belittlement of others.  They degenerate into a rhetorical game of chicken rather than serving as a sincere search for truth.  I stand among the accused on this particular point.  I have never had much difficulty offering my opinion--particularly behind the shield of a computer screen.  Unfortunately, I have crossed the proverbial line on several occasions--even to the point of losing friends in the Facebook sense of the word.  It strikes me that most people don't need to be taught to form opinions.  We seem to be hardwired to do so.  I wonder, however, if we could all use some lessons/reminders about how to have our opinions.  That is--about how to hold them and about how to offer them for others to consider.

To that end, I would like to offer some basic guidelines.  These are, of course, just my opinion, so please take them as such.

1.  Remember the source and progression of opinions.

Whenever I watch a movie that deals with racial inequality and bigotry, I end up asking myself the same, penetrating question, "What would I have believed and how would I have acted if I lived in the 1860's or even the 1960's?"  Of course, I want to believe that I would have been enlightened and progressive in my thinking.  I want to believe that I would never have succumbed to the ugliness of racism.  I am haunted by the fact, however, that it is probable, had I been born several decades or more earlier than I was, that I would have adhered to the racial creeds of the day.  That is, I probably would have been a bigot.  This is just a simple calculation based on the color of my skin and the social status of my family tree.  I don't like that thought, but I cannot categorically deny it either.

My point is that our systems of belief (our opinions) are, to a significant extent, the product of our cultural context--our upbringing, our social status, our circle of friends, etc...  Of course, everyone wants to believe that their opinions are well-grounded, logically sound, and devoid of any sentimental attachment.  We want to believe that we believe what we believe because it is the truth.  In some cases, this is an accurate assessment.  In many cases, however, we believe what we believe for reasons that are far less pristine and rational.  This doesn't necessarily mean your beliefs are wrong.  It does mean that it is incumbent upon all of us to remember the source of our opinions and of those we encounter.  Everyone has a story, and opinions are intricately intertwined in the details of that story as it unfolds.

Speaking of unfolding stories, it is also essential to remember that opinions are like bodies.  They grow, mature, strengthen, weaken, and change dramatically over the years.  You haven't always thought the way you think now, and you probably won't think exactly the same way in 20 years that you do now.  (At least, I hope you don't.)  We all would do well to remember this in our interactions with others and their ideas.

2.  Remember to separate the opinion from the one holding it.

This may sound contradictory to my first point.  I just got through telling you to remember that our opinions are closely aligned with who we are.  This is true.  It is also true, however, that we must evaluate the veracity of an opinion based on the merits of the opinion itself and not based on the person who is offering it.  To put this another way--if something is true, it is true regardless of who says it or supports it.  Once again, we all want to believe that we disagree with someone else because they are wrong.  Could it be, however, that sometimes we disagree with them because we just don't like them?  There are few things in life that are more irritating than when someone we consider to be from "the other side" offers an idea that makes logical sense and adds up in our mind.  It is difficult to admit it when our nemesis is right, but this we must do.

I believe that many followers of Jesus and right-wing conservatives encounter this difficulty in discussions of politics.  "Obama Bashing" has become quite fashionable in these circles, and I see it nearly every day on my Facebook feed.  I will concede the point that many of his policies and decisions (in my opinion) are unwise and counter-productive.  I don't like his politics.  I do not believe, however, that "everything that man says is a lie" or that every action his administration has taken or will take is wrong.  Is the right side of the field (or the left for that matter) intellectually honest enough to admit that even a broken clock is right twice a day?  (Although according to comedian Stephen Wright scientists are working on a broken clock that is right three times a day.)

3.  Remember that there is a right way to be right.

I am finding myself becoming more distant from and disillusioned by professional sports.  My concern is not with the talent or level of play in our professional leagues.  In many sports, these are at the highest level they have ever been.  My concern is that I am seeing far less grace and sportsmanship than I used to.  (That makes me sound so old!)  Even my beloved game of college basketball seems to have slipped into the mire of arrogant chest-thumping and trash-talking.  I don't like it.  I don't like it at all.  I'm not sure that the old adage is true that says, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game that matters."  No, I believe it is important to play to win, but even in your pursuit of victory and excellence, I believe it is essential to win honorably and gracefully.  I just don't see a lot of this on ESPN these days.

In our online or in-person discussions, let us all remember that you can be right but in a way that is wrong.  Strive for grace and sportsmanship when you spar with others in the comments section of your favorite blog or virtual water cooler.  Spirited debate should not and does not preclude the possibility of civility and respect.  Play to win, but win with style.

4.  Remember to admit the possibility that you might be wrong.

Of all the opinions I am offering in this article, this is the one that I fear may elicit the most disagreement.  Personally, I believe it is essential in any conflict of ideas (no matter how major) to admit and accept the possibility (however slim it may be) that you might be on the wrong side.  I am not implying that one should harbor doubts about her position.  I am not asserting that one should hold his beliefs weakly or in a perpetual state of flux.  I am not proposing a relativistic, post-modern ideal in which every opinion is equally true.  That, of course, is preposterous.  In just about any debate, there is a wrong side and a right side.  (Although the point should be made that it is foolish to make the reductionist "either-or" error.  Many of us need to open ourselves to the possibility of "both-and" in many of our discussions.)

What I am saying is that it is critical for us as fallen, finite beings to admit at least the possibility that we might be wrong.  Why is it critical?  Because, the fact is, we might be wrong.  If one gets to a point where they feel that at least some of their opinions are infallible, that person has placed himself in a position of stunted growth--both personally and relationally.  The opportunity for productive, healthy dialogue evaporates the moment someone says, "I am right and there is no possibility otherwise!"  Personally, I make a habit of disengaging with anyone who cannot admit the possibility of error in a certain opinion.  Why waste my time or theirs?  It's pointless to move any further in the discussion.

I think this is especially important for my fellow followers of Jesus to consider.  The fact that I believe the Bible to be infallible does not imply that I as a student of the Bible am also infallible.  Yet, this is exactly how Christians often come across to each other and to those outside our faith.  Remember that it is our faith not our knowledge that forms the basis of our religious system and our relationship with God.  I don't know that God is not dead.  I don't know that heaven is for real.  I don't know that Jesus is alive.  I believe each of those things, but I don't know them.  For the record, I feel that my belief is well-founded, but it is still only belief.  The atheists, the Hindus, or anyone else might be right.  I might be wrong.  To deny this possibility is to deny the nature of our worldview and to exclude the possibility of connecting with and genuinely impacting those who don't share our beliefs.

So...

The next time you begin to launch into an online tirade about your favorite soap-box topic, will you take a moment to consider the ideas I've offered here?  I hope that you will.  I believe there is much truth to what I've said in these paragraphs.

But I might be wrong...

What The Promise Is For

The following post is based upon a testimony I gave at the beginning of my Sunday School lesson to the Young Marrieds Class at our church on June 5, 2011--my 31st birthday and the 7th anniversary of my marriage to Danielle. I received several bits of positive feedback about the testimony, and so I thought it might be helpful and encouraging to those of you out there in the blogosphere.

Every time we drive out to visit my in-laws in Francestown, New Hampshire (which is about once a month or so), we drive right past the white church building where Danielle and I were married on June 5, 2004. As we pass that 200-year old building with our 3 children in the back of our Honda Pilot, I almost always think back to that Saturday morning when my bride and I exchanged vows.

In the months approaching our 7th anniversary, I thought quite a bit about that day. In particular, my thought patterns about my marriage went something like this:

"If someone had asked me in the weeks before I got married to describe my expectations about marriage in one word, I wonder what I would have said?" (My thought patterns tend to be quite specific at times.)

As I pondered this question, several possible answers sprang to mind:

Love?

Companionship?

Adventure?

Sex?

Acceptance?

Romance?

Commitment?

I put the question mark after each because I am not really sure what answer I would have given. Honestly, as much as I was looking forward to getting married, I don't think I really knew what to expect. I just knew I wanted to be married.

I may not know what I would have said in answer to the preceding question, but I am quite confident about one thing I would not have said. There is one word I most certainly would not have used to describe my expectations about marriage at that point in my life. Do you want to know what that one word is?

Difficult

In the entire scope of my thinking as I was preparing to marry the love of my life, I never really thought of marriage as being difficult, hard, or even exhausting. Now, please understand this--Danielle and I did all of the things good, Christian engaged couples are supposed to do before they get married. We read the books about preparing for marriage. We talked about finances, family, and conflict resolution. We participated in the obligatory pre-marital counseling. We tried to prepare ourselves for the fact that the honeymoon would eventually end and that the reality of day to day life would set in. I thought I knew what I was getting into, but the truth is--I didn't have a clue. I had no idea how hard it is to be married and to form a family. That is not to say that I regret marrying Danielle and forming a family with her. I wouldn't go back and change anything even if I could. Sometimes, I look at her and I still can't believe that she agreed to be my wife. Sometimes, it does still seem like a fairy-tale. None of that changes the fact, however, that marriage is, at times, just plain difficult.

I realize now that I did not realize this then. (Did that sentence even make sense?) To some extent, I don't think I could have really understood beforehand the pressures of the crucible of marriage. It's like going to Disney World. People can tell you what it's like, but you really have to go there yourself to truly understand. The same is true with marriage. People can tell you it's hard, but...

Until you've had to face the reality of having more bills and needs than money, you don't understand.

Until you've walked into a room and had your wife sobbingly tell you that she's had a miscarriage, you can't know what it's like.

Until you've felt the subtle hand of lust trying to pull you apart from your spouse, you can't really identify.

Until you've had a loved one snatched violently and unexpectedly away, leaving both of you reeling, you can't empathize.

Until you've experienced how beautiful, amazing, fun, frustrating, exhausting, and stressful children can be, you don't really know.

Until you've felt as if your marriage has been "hijacked" by your kids, your job, and your life...

Until you've laid in bed feeling hundreds of miles apart from someone whose is only 3 feet away...

Until you've asked yourself, "Can I do this anymore?" or even "Do I want to do this anymore?"...

You can't really see how difficult marriage can be.

(By the way, I don't want to sound as if I am complaining. I understand that many couples have traversed waters much deeper and situations much more painful than we have. We have been very blessed in our seven years together. I am simply pointing out some of the difficulties that have surprised me personally along the way.)

About two months ago, someone gave me a CD called "Counting Stars" by a Christian singer-songwriter name Andrew Peterson. I had never heard of him, but I always enjoy discovering new music so I gave the CD a spin. Track number 2 on that disc changed my life. The song is titled "Dancing in the Minefields." Andrew wrote the song to his wife. In it, he talks about how their marriage has been "harder than they dreamed." When I first heard that, I teared up thinking, "So I am not the only one who has felt that way!" Then Mr. Peterson includes a line that shot straight into my heart and soul. He says, "But I believe that's what the promise is for."

I heard those words, and I realized something after 7 years of marriage that I had never really understood before. (Forgive me--I can be quite oblivious at times.) Why do we make vows at our weddings? Why do we include words like "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse"? We say those things, not because we're all going to be rich, healthy, and happy all the time. We say those things because there will be times of poverty, times of sickness, times of unrest and unhappiness. That's what the promise is for--it's for the times when marriage is hard and exhausting. The key to navigating the "minefield" is to hold fast to that promise and refuse, by the grace of God, to give up. That was something I needed to hear after a very difficult 6-month stretch in our marriage. It changed my perspective dramatically.

With all this in mind, I decided to put together a short video using the song and some pictures. I would like to include it at the end of this lengthy post in the hope that it will encourage you as it has encouraged me.

I would also like to dedicate it to my wife, Danielle. She daily reflects the love and grace of God to me, and I love her dearly. "Sweetheart, I am in it for the long haul! :-)"

To the rest of you reading, I echo the words of the backup singers on the song...

"Don't give up!"

Reflections on Reaching My 30th Birthday

A quick glance at my last post tells me that it has been over a month since I have blogged. The reason for this is simple--I haven't really had much to blog about. Usually there is some line of thinking circling my brain about which I want to write, but this has not been the case over the last few weeks. So...I haven't.

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. It just seems to me that such an occasion warrants a few comments, so...here they are.

1. At the risk of sounding trite, I have to echo the sentiments of many who've gone before me--time passes quickly...much too quickly. It is odd for me to think of myself as having completed 30 years of life. I really do feel like I am still a teenager. (One look in the mirror and a glance at my proceeding forehead reminds me that I am not.) One of the strongest feelings I have at this milestone is a profound sense of the need to redeem the time. By this I don't necessarily mean I want to get more done, be more productive, or work harder or longer. (Although I probably should do some of those things.) I mean I want to make the most of each moment. If I am working, I want to work hard. If I am playing, I want to play hard. I want to enjoy my wife, kids, and the world around me as much as I can. I want to develop my walk with God to the fullest. I want to live a completed life with few (if any) regrets.

2. Unlike others I've heard of, I never really had a very specific set of goals for where I wanted to be or what I wanted to be doing by the time I reached 30. That being the case, it is somewhat difficult for me to evaluate how "successful" I have been in life thus far. To be transparent, there are times when I do feel somewhat discouraged by the fact that I haven't really done anything "great" in life yet. (I guess I've always had this secret desire to be known for doing something outstanding. It's an issue of pride, I know.) Overall, however, I have to say that I am very happy with the life I have been given. My wife never ceases to thrill and amaze me with her joy, forgiveness, and companionship. My kids amuse, frustrate, and delight me day after day. I have family and friends who challenge and intrigue me with their various personalities and viewpoints. I have a job that I love (most of the time) and hobbies that enrich my journey. I am privileged to live a very comfortable life with much more "stuff" than I need or deserve. Although I have my difficulties and doubts, when I step back and look at the big picture, I have to say...the first 30 years have been a great ride!

3. As my friend and employer, Brian, likes to say, "The more you know the less you know." I agree wholeheartedly. In many ways, I feel as though I know less about life in general and the Christian life in specific at 30 than I did when I graduated from high school. Various experiences over the last decade have caused me to step back, rethink, and reevaluate many aspects of my life and beliefs. I don't view this as a bad thing, however. I really feel that I am at a point in my life where my searching and questioning are constructive rather than destructive. I don't mind at all that I seem to have more questions than answers in many areas. Maybe that's just what I need. I am confident that God will guide my thoughts and steps. As a song I heard recently says, "These things take time."

Other than those quick thoughts, I have tried not to think about turning 30 too much. After all, it's just a number.

In the meantime,

Still looking for genuine...

Heroes

First, let me make it clear that this article has nothing to do with the TV series on NBC. If that is what you are looking for, you will be sorely disappointed.

Now that I've settled that issue, I will begin...

At a recent meeting of my Toastmaster's Public Speaking Club, I was called upon to participate in the Table Topics portion of the meeting. This involves the Topics Master posing a question to the club, and someone answering the question in a 2 minute impromptu speech. Sometimes the topic questions are a bit vague, but the question I received on this particular occasion was very specific and very good.

"If you could spend the evening with any movie character of your choice, which character would it be?"

I was thrilled to receive this question for two reasons: 1) I love watching and talking about movies, and 2) I knew immediately how to answer. Almost without hesitation I answered, "Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird." Coincidentally, Danielle and I had just watched the movie for the 2nd time a week and half prior. In my speech, I proceeded to tell the other club members that I would choose Mr. Finch because he is, to me, the archetype of a genuine hero. (The American Film Institute agrees with me on this point. Several years ago they selected Atticus as the Greatest Film Hero of the last 100 years.)

Why is this character such a hero? Well, if you haven't seen the movie or read the book most of the following discussion will be irrelevant. I suggest you either watch it or read it then come back to this post. Atticus is such a remarkable character because he is genuine (and I am not just saying that because it is the theme of my blog). He is a single-father raising two boisterous kids in the Depression-era South. He is a small town lawyer to whom is given the responsibility of defending a black man charged (falsely) with the rape of a white girl. He is soft-spoken and gentle, but principled and unwavering in standing for what he believes to be right. Within the world of the story, he is neither rich nor famous. In short, he is an ordinary guy living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. He is...a hero.

We live in a world where many that are given the title of "hero" eventually prove themselves unworthy of such accolades (a la Tiger Woods), and even our fictional heroes are sometimes forced to dabble in darkness in order to overcome it (a la Bruce Wayne in The Dark Knight). Atticus Finch stands in stark contrast to these. Is he perfect? No. Is he real? No. Does he create a more realistic example of what true heroism should look like? I think he does. The challenge I take from his story (fictional though it may be) is simple--I want to be an Atticus in the eyes of my kids. I want to take the circumstances of my life (as mundane as they may seem at times) and handle them with dignity and poise. I want to be reliable, approachable, followable, and honorable. I want to stand on my convictions without being disagreeable in the process.

So...who is your hero?

Before closing, I feel compelled to say one more thing. I mentioned Tiger Woods' name in this context only as an example of one who was viewed by many as a hero when the facts of his life prove differently. I am not trying to vilify the man. We all have dark corners in our hearts, but, in Tiger's defense, not all of us have our dirty secrets displayed for the world to see. Tiger has made mistakes, but I think he could once again stand worthy of hero status. This, of course, will depend on the genuineness of his "rehabilitation," and that is something that is very difficult to judge in someone with such a high profile.

For what it's worth...

Why the Torture?

Okay, so it's been nearly three months since I established this new blog, and I have produced all of two entries. Here I sit, on an evening when I am feeling particularly motivated, and I am gonna give it another go. The question you may be asking--indeed, the question I am asking myself is this--Why? Why do I even try this blogging thing? I have never been very good at it. Obviously, my life progresses on a predominately normal trajectory without it. Why torture myself with yet one more thing to do?

Well, I actually do have some reasons for attempting to write entries on a regular basis. I am going to enumerate them here in the hope that they will spur me on to blogging greatness--or at least motivate me to update more than every three months! With that in mind, here are my reasons:

1. Nary a week goes by when I don't think to myself, "That thought you just had would make a good topic for a blog entry." I don't know why, but I tend to think of things in terms of how it would sound in a paper, book, or article. I want to take some of these thoughts and actually transform them into something. Whether or not the "something" will be of any value--I don't know, but, hey, if every other lame-brained yohoo out there can have a blog then so can this one!

2. I want to learn to articulate myself more clearly and concisely. I am a teacher, and I have no problem talking. I am engaged in some form of public speaking at least half-a-dozen times per week. I find, however, that much of what I say is 1) somewhat trite and banal, and 2) wordy and repetitive. In an era of IMing, texting, and emailing, we are not forced to articulate ourselves through writing the way generations in the past have been. I think this is, in many ways, not for the better. I want to take some of my thoughts (ideally, the best ones), and formulate them into several paragraphs that are clear, original, and thoughtful. I think it will be good for me.

3. I want to stick with something that I want to do. I have a lot of things on my list. You know, the mental list we all carry of things we like, things we want to do, things we feel should be a part of our life to make us a better person? That list? Well, for some unknown reason, blogging is on my list. I really want to do it! (Although I obviously haven't wanted to do it badly enough in the last three months to actually do it!) So, I am going to try again because...I want to. I want the satisfaction of knowing I have set out to do something and I have followed through.

So...there you go. I am gonna give it the "ole' one-two"! If it's any consolation (to you or me), I think I have figured out one of the reasons why I am so inconsistent with my posting. I have never really established a recurring time for blogging. I have always tried to do it "when I can." This approach does not work. Instead, I will attempt to post a new article every Sunday afternoon/evening. That is my designated blogging time. We'll see how I fare.

Until then...

Keep looking for the genuine!

Commencement

In my life, under the heading of "Things I Have Gotten Excited About, Started, and Never Finished", there are numerous entries (Like the novel I started when I was 12). So why should this blog be any different? Maybe it won't be. Maybe this will be the only post I ever put on here. I am not setting my sights too high. Que sara sara. I am setting a goal (one post per week), and I will try to meet it. If not--oh well! Just add it to the list...

And so, let the blog commence...